Uh, Houston, we have a Problem

February Update in 60 seconds...

Wife does not have cervical cancer. Am relieved, and beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks later Gov. Perry orders that all girls in the state in a particular age range get the HPV vaccination, which is believed to sharply reduce the chances of cervical cancer. Parents emerge from WalMart, put their Whopper Size Slurpees down long enough to complain because HPV is a "sexually-transmitted" disease, and schools may as well give out condoms along with the vaccinations. Tell that crap to your daughter 15 years down the road when her life is cut short because she didnt get the vaccination. Every time I ask my ex-wife about the vaccination for our children, she says, " Oh, you mean HPV, that sexually transmitted disease?" No dumbass, I mean that nasty thing that causes cervical cancer, and it doesnt matter if it comes from HPV, from the stork, or from french-kissing the tailpipe with the engine running and the garage door closed...

I am in mourning for the loss of Anna Nicole Smith. As soon as I can scrape together enough money, I am going to go see the crying judge and prove that the child is mine.

Valentine's day came and went. Child number one seemed overjoyed at the gift, and sent me a thank you note and a birthday card and a picture of aforementioned Child Number one. Child Number one called me on the phone, talked for an hour and a half. Yesterday, Child number one shunned 4 year old step brother and told us to buzz off. 2 steps forward and one step back.

This week, I did a good thing. I did a really good thing for people I hardly know. I used my law license and knowledge as a keeper of the bloodmoney to do that really good thing. I might be able to stick with this lawyering stuff for a while after all.

I am gonna buy my wife a parrot with a potty mouth and a really bad attitude, so that she will have someone to talk to while I am work. Gonna name that damn bird...Formerly Living!