Sen. George Allen R-VA, has just put modern American literature in its place, and I for one am grateful. It appears that Sen. Allen has just "exposed" thousands of pages of bizarre literary references penned by his political opponent, Jim Webb, who hasn't had much to say for himself.
The media coverage is only the tip of the iceberg though. The crack staff of Formerly Living, using highly controversial techniques, have uncovered additional related scandalous literary evidence suitable for condemnation by even the most open-minded Republican. For instance:
1) Woman #1 studs her husband out for a one night stand with Woman #2, and in trade, receives narcotics belonging to the son of Woman #2!
2) Young girl is raped by her brother, and the authorities do nothing. Years later, he is murdered by his own brothers for his in-house activities.
3) Man has unprotected sex with a hooker, and gets her pregnant. Oh, and the hooker is his daughter-in-law. The hooker is condemned to death for being such a feckless whore, until she goes on Jerry Springer and informs the world that her father in law is the child's father. Not only is she allowed to live, but gets a multi-year book and movie deal.
4) In another sordid tale, a man pimps out his own wife. After being raped and murdered, she is tossed back on his front porch. With nothing better to do, he chops her ass up.
5) Two girls are so hard up for trouser-snake, they slip their own aged father a rufie in his booze, and bear his children.
6) Son screws his old man's whore. In his old man's bed. Video available on YouTube.
7) This may be the worst yet. You've been warned. Man finds an abondoned baby in a field, cleans it up, takes it in, feeds and clothes it. Baby grows up to be a whore. Man then gets her pregnant, she kills all of their sons and daughters so she can gang bang the neighbors. Man complains that she is giving it away rather than charging for a piece of ass. Man beats her bloody, while her lovers watch, then invites the lovers to kick her ass also. Then he starts talking about what a tramp and whore the girl's mom and sisters were.
What kind of freak show are the voters in Virginia hoping for? What the hell are they thinking? Oooppps, I forgot to mention that the above examples are not things written by Jim Webb. In order to meet the FCC obligations of equal perversity, these are all examples of writing from a book that Senator Allen undoubtedly carries around with him.
Drudge was kind enough to offer up citations of Webb's works, so we thought we should do the same for the stuff in Allen's book. In the order in which they appear above:
1) The Bible. Genesis 30: 14-17.
2) The Bible. 2 Samuel 13:1-19.
3) The Bible. Genesis 38: 13-29.
4) The Bible. Judges 19.
5) The Bible. Genesis 19: 31-38.
6) The Bible. 1 Chronicles 5:1.
7) The Bible. Ezekiel 16.
You have got to be kidding me. Here, after all this time, I thought that we had moved beyond book burning. Has Allen actually read any of Webb's books? Has Drudge? Has CBS? Have you? I haven't. And for the record, it has been a good 25 years since I read the Bible. And I ain't gonna read it again, because the 7 examples above are so disgusting, and are so contrary to my high moral fiber that I refuse to have that kind of filth in my home where my children sleep, in my mind where I communicate with God, or in my mouth that I use to talk to my momma.
I don't need to see the context they were written in, and I don't need to know if there is some moral judgment or some moral lesson that the author is trying to make. All I need to know is that I am offended by adultery, incest, rape, murder, domestic abuse, prostitution, orgies, underage sex and anything at all having to do with Little Debbie snack cakes (she is a slut). All of those things are in there, so that makes the book evil, the author a purveyor of smut, and the entire work a damnable piece of filth that will undoubtedly lead to the destruction of our civilization as we know it. I am so worked into a lather, I am not sure which book and which author I am referring to now. Do you know? Can you tell? Or perhaps, maybe there is no difference in the intellectual analysis, or lack thereof between the two positions.
For the last 3-4 years, the Republicans (my last voting registration had a big R on it, so dont give me any crap) have been hiding Mark Foley in the page's closet and let him run rampant with his IM name of PeachFuzz69. They want to talk big about law and order and protecting children and... well, whatever else sounds good rather it makes sense or not. Webb is a former Marine, a decorated combat veteran, a historian, an award winning author, served under Reagan and was the Secretary of Navy.
A passage in a fictional novel about a guy flipping his son upside down and nipping in his noodle may, at the end of the day, be some sick, twisted admission that he likes to cruise the same sites as Mark Foley and hang out at the local Catholic church rectory. Or it might be something all together different. Maybe determining what that all together different thing requires maturity, intellectual honesty and a certain amount of personal character that most politicians fail to display. I will wait, Senator Allen, while you consider your answer.
Texas was the spawning ground for "No Child Left Behind" and the standardized tests that come with it, thanks to Il Presidente Bush. Taken in a vaccuum, out of context, No Child Left Behind looks just as good as Webb's subject-matter looks bad. Why? No Child Left Behind sounds great, but once you get past the political expediency, it is an unmitigated failure. Texas' education system ranks at the bottom of public school systems in the country. Why? Its because we don't leave any child behind, so long as our children know how to take a POS test that some pointy-headed retard in Austin dreams up while he puts in his time before he runs for governor. What that means is that the entire year is spent teaching our children how to take the TAKS test. Do we care if our children really know and understand basic mathematic concepts, do we care that our children do not read or think independently? We would rather standardize and tranquilize young minds instead of teach them how to flourish, and embolden them to be strong where we as a country have become weak. Children are not promoted to the next grade for fear they cannot pass the TAKS test. Teachers routinely lie and cheat so that their students pass the TAKS test. Just because something looks politically expedient Senator, don't make it right. This little scam of yours is insulting to Virginia, and to Mr. Webb.
Senator Allen, as an elected official to a national governing body (thank god I gradjeeated b4 No Child Left Behind, and know how some things work), your actions, your ideas, your legislative agendas have the potential to effect my children, my families and my loved ones. On the eve of a big election, what is your grand plan? You bang on Webb for his tales of fiction!!!!! Because the ficitonal characters in Webb's fictional novels do very bad things to sometimes very weak people, that automatically makes Webb an evil person who does bad things? Can we, Senator Allen, hold you personally responsible for the smut in the bible? What about the things I didn't cover? Are you violent, because the characters in the bible are violent? Are you a misogynist because misogyny is advocated in the bible? Are you incestuous because there is incest throughout the bible?
Let's do this. You put down that bible you undoubtedly thump, and also set aside Webb's written works. What do you have Senator? Do you have something you are in favor of, something to help my family or improve our lot in life? Your colleagues hurt a huge section of this country when you screwed up Bankruptcy Reform last year. Your president (whom I voted for last election, so give me crap for being stupid) has clamped down federal funds on stem cell research. My multiple sclerosis is a lot more subtle than Michael J Fox's Parkinson's disease, but you betrayed me and millions others based on some dubious science. How about that pill-popping hypocrite Rush Limbaugh (whom I used to listen to on a daily basis), calling Fox a mislead victim. Texas Republican Phil King tried to pull the same stunt in Texas a few years ago, by sneaking through so-called "anti-cloning" legislation that would have made it illegal for me to go overseas and receive treatment for my currently incurrable MS, if that treatment involved any cell replication technology. Don't you dare look with sympathy at me for being a mislead victim. I read and understand legislation. I don't blindly accept pablum as gospel just because high-brow "know-it-all" politicians like you tell me I should believe it. Lucky for you I can't vote in Virginia, so that after I publish this post, I will forget all about you and your stupid-ass clumsy attempt to shame someone for his works of fiction. Have you read all of these books by these folks? Are you going to condemn them as well?
Senator, I am half-way through my first novel. It involves rape, murder, drug use, alcoholism and racism. I am neither rapist, murderer, drug addict, alcoholic, nor a racist. I love ALL of my children, I love my wife, and have forsaken all other women for her. I try to be honest in my business dealings. I try to stay healthy, despite the high cost of my medications and my health insurance. I worry about the piss-poor education my children receive, and I worry even more about the sky-rocketing costs of college tuition (largely brought about under Republican administrations at the state level). Is there something you can point to in Webb's books and show me is the cause of these problems? Be careful what you point to sir, chances are it's in your good book...
I haven't voted in a while, but maybe I will move to your lovely state and start. I am bringing my novel with me if I come. Wake the villagers, sharpen the pitchforks and find a couple of torches to lead the mob, because I am a bad, bad man. The book's title? One Bad Child-Beating, Wife Killing, Pill Popping, Sister Screwing, Puppy Kicking, Rock and Rolling Mother Fucker... by Formerly Living.
*If you weren't paying attention to the video, you missed him make this Quote about fact and fiction. Irony, I love you.
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