Jeep Gladiator...get it...GladHEateHER...?!?

How in the hell did I manage to miss this for an entire year? Am I the only one who hasn't seen this masterpiece concept from Jeep? Please don't tease, if there is any chance in hell that the Gladiator is scheduled to see production as the next generation true truck offering from Jeep, life might be worth living again. Are there any responsible adults who can help us out with some non-Wikipedia type information?

The current version of the Wrangler Unlimited just doesn't quite do it. But this beast, hot skipping Christ, Jeep could sell these things! I suppose I could go to eBay, and bid myself silly on the real deal, but given my lack of skills with most things mechanical (and all things female), the pleasure quotient would be like having myself filleted pie-hole to ass-hole.

Here is the deal. My family has collectively been employed by GM for... nearly 100 years, no doubt. I still carry a grudge against the clods in Detroit for putting a bullet in the head of the iconic Oldsmobile line. Both the crappy vehicles in my driveway are Pontiac. The only import I ever had was a "thousand-dollar-car" that either got me through college, or divorce number one... Never bought a new vehicle either. That honor was going to be reserved for the Monte Carlo when rumor first had it returning to the GM line up. Who knew that GM would stick with anemic, vanilla, sissified designs and stick manly, historic badging on the sheet metal... Monte Carlo my ass. That thing is the bastard love child of a homely Buick that was sneaking around with a Ford Taurus from the wrong side of town.

I will be 35 in a few months, never bought a "new" car. Depreciation means more than just how my kids feel... I am always happy to let the other sucker tuck the ass-poke on the instant devaluation of a new ride. The Jeep Commander was about to change that, though. The current mode of familial mass transit is a tired Pontiac Montana, surely the inspiration for redneck circle 8 racers all across the South. The Commander. Made by Jeep. Big enough for a woman, tough enough to handle the daily assault of small children.

Then, from beyond the golden burning glow of all things righteous and holy in a consumerocracy, emerging under the taunting halo of "concept car", emerges this Holy Grail.

The Gladiator is more than just a hoped-for kick ass ride. This is exactly the kick in the ass I needed from the literary gods (don't pull a muscle, this is a big stretch, but we will get you through it). The novel that I have labored over (but mostly neglected) for the last year and a half features a lot of old guys and their old, busted up rides. The main character of my novel, he drives the forerunner of the Gladiator. When I am not daydreaming about the novel itself (and the millions of copies to be sold) I imagine the cover art, a black and white photo featuring the bottom of the door, the main character stepping onto a dirt road, wearing boots, shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a cowboy hat.

I didn't cry when Ol' Yeller got what he had coming, Bambi's mom got what nature and the Forest Service intended. Want me to cry at a movie... blow-up an old car (even if it is a clone). Even after playing harmless video games featuring the senseless destruction of fine automobiles, I seek out psychiatric help. Such senseless car violence demeans the role of the automobile in society, oppresses them, and makes them second class citizens... oh the humanity...! And now, I surf upon the one-up physical embodiment of everything dear and precious that will surely someday form itself into a completed novel! Oh rapture!

I must have this truck, I must possess this thing, make it my own, to hold and cherish through love, broke-dickness and death. And one way or another, Jeep must build it. If Jeep won't build it, we will steal the design, have it produced in Mexico at the same plant that continues to make original body style VW Bugs. Or we get someone to sell it as a kit car! Yeah, that's it. Just gimme the sheet metal, diesel engine, drive train and an interior kit, I will take care of the rest myself. It is win-win, because I get my truck, Jeep gets cash for doing nothing but pressing some body panels, you buy my book in order to truly understand modern man, I take my jeep, my wife, and however many kids and dogs will fit in the bed, and head North until I reach Anchorage. Yeah, I bet that thing will do some sweet glacier jumps...

Screw it, I can't wait for Jeep to make up their mind. I am going to find the one-up, I am going to truck-nap THE concept. Payday is still a week off, and I need gas money, so please wire a contribution, will credit it against your purchase price of the book. Hurry, I gotta leave tonight. I am gonna get some one of a kind plates to go one my one-up truck of beauty, plates are gonna read... FormerlyLiving.