Sunday, August 27, 2006

Money for Nothing

Wanted to give you a little Friday freebie, wound up staying in office until after 7:00 pm, doing OPS (Other People's Shit), and didn't get around to taking care of my peeps. So you get freebie, and a little Sunday morning bonus too...




For the guitar player/hot rodder in your life, Gibson guitars is hosting a sweet giveaway in conjunction with Hot Rod Magazine. The picture above is the guitar I would have if I could trade my ex-wife for anything in the world. The Indian was discontinued a couple of years ago. I wish she was too...

Anyone living in the Metroplex knows that we are paying the highest rates for residential electricity in the country. Anyone who reads above an 8th grade reading level knows that the reason that is the case is because Texas loves business, and businesses love Texas. See, even in the wake of the California power de-regulation fiasco (which, if you have forgotten, lead to Enron and gaming of the grid that led to rolling blackouts), Texas forged ahead with its own de-regulation of the power industry in Texas. As a result, providers like TXU, playing apparently well within the rules, set their price to beat mark (which is based on natural gas prices, more on that in a minute) right after Hurricane Katrina hit. Natural gas was at, or near, record highs. So too have been our electricity prices. Admittedly, energy usage in Texas has been at a record high as well.

Fast forward a year later. Natural gas prices are off of last year's numbers because New Orleans was not completely smoted, and production is coming back online (I am purely guessing about that, don't bust my balls). TXU rates are set based on the price of natural gas, based on the once pre-dominant theory that power plants would be fueled by natural gas instead of coal. Two months ago, TXU tee'd up a request to the state of Texas to allow it to build 11 new generating units to meet increasing demand. Those 11 new plants are natural gas fired, right? No, beloved. TXU, experiencing record profits because of the price to beat mark, determined by natural gas prices, wants to build 11 brand new coal fired plants. (However, remember my advice from long ago, if you can't beat them, profit from them... ).

Coal is cheaper than natural gas, so TXU profits will be even greater (as long as current pricing stays in effect). Natural gas is cleaner than coal, so this must be some evil conspiracy to keep jacking up my sunsets by dumping more crap in the air, thereby perpetuating the cycle of harsh summers from gloab warming causing me and all my neighbors to use more electricity to cool our homes thereby requiring more coal fired plants, leading to more pollution, requiring me to use even more energy to cool my home... well, I made some ofthat up to, but you get the point.

One of the least consumer friendly industries is the power generation industry. I am as pro-business as most red-blooded Texas boys, but the power-gen folks are in the same category as those damned little college kids that show up at grandma's door with a cooler full of freeze dried steaks and a notebook full of ridiculous flip charts. Three hours later, Grandma is sucked into a contract that doesn't disclose the inflated prices she pays for the meat, the vegetable add-owns, or the "free" chest freezer that is supplied to house all of her new goodies. Friends, Texas power-gen is knocking on the door, and they have a chest freezer they wanna give you...!

So this morning I learn about this guy. This guy is the first of, I hope, many who will tip the scales back in favor consumers when it comes to dealing with residential power-gen. Power-gen is head and shoulders above the rest of us in learning how to game prices and keep screwing the other side. At ChooseEnergy.com, not only do they show you how to get the best deal on prices, they will alert you through email new ways to save money on residential electricity by learning, and gaming, the system. Even has a complete portion o f the site dedicated to 'splaining the current system in Texas.

Sorry, if I sound like a Man on Fire, but I am sick and tired of watching my friends and neighbors get hosed on their energy costs. There have been some dangerous, disheartening changes in this country the last few years, that have nothing to do with 9/11 or terrorism or the asshats in Lebanon. Salaries are stagnant, the cost of housing has sky-rocketed, retirement is a joke. Since bankruptcy reform, bill collectors and credit card companies have become more brazen (on both sides of the transaction). Hell, even the IRS is now farming out collection activities to private collection agencies. Grab your ankles friends.

The folks at ChooseEnergy.com are doing the rest of us a helluva big favor. Use him to switch, buy ad space, tell your friends and neighbors about him. Me, I am gonna sign him up for a different sweepstakes...

I was gonna save this for later, but since I have been so surly, and on a Sunday morning to boot... Please do yourself a favor and go check out this guy's work. He is called the Spirit Painter, and with damn good reason. The website does no justice to his works because of the subtlety of most of his work. I will do a post about him in a few days, because this was one of the mystical, magical experiences that the anonymity of the Internet allows me share. But as a primer, go see the site first...

ONE more thing (help, I cannot stop myself...)! Silver is sitting at just under $13 an ounce. Gold is far too high at current market, at least until new technologies require greater use of gold. Ten ounce and hundred ounce ingots/bars of silver are good buys. Try here, tell 'em who sent ya'!

That's it, that is all the freebies for you today. Go away and make your ex-spouse miserable and your children less embarrassed to know you. Look forward to the next freebie though, I will show you how to get a good deal on a free pinata, and if you hold it sideways, squish your eyes together, sneak a toke and look real closely, you will see that the damned pinata looks just like... Formerly Living.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Hang Gai, Fucking Wu...



Been gone awhile. The voices in my head couldn't be ignored this time...

Fans of the all too short-lived HBO series Deadwood are familiar with the Hang Gai symbolism (which, by the way, if I misspelled, insert your favorite Swearingen quote to disparage yourself). Few things on television today are as compelling as two aging, hard edged power brokers with fear in their eyes crossing their fingers and pledging "Hang gai" to show their friendship. Mainly visual, guess you had to be there...

Over the weekend, had a Hang gai moment of my own. Drug myself away from the worker's paradise of the 12 hour days, retributions, allegations, investigations and general tom-foolery of that zany ex-wife of mine and all her good friends at Child Protective Services. Spent 8 hours making a 5 hour trip. Stopped by the regionally infamous Booked Up owned by author Larry "I Cain't Quit You" McMurtry. I can't wait until I have a string of noteable publications and screenplays in my back pocket, so that I can up to the next level of being a real horse's ass. Damn good book store though. Make the pilgrimage to Archer City and see for yourself. Plan and spending at least two days to see most of the books in inventory. Don't expect to actually see Mr. McMurtry. Oh, yeah, and when you walk into Building #1, don't ask the pretty brunette working at the cashier's desk if they have any books. She doesn't think that shit is funny, not one damn bit.

But I digress. Hang gai. Spent the weekend with most of the male folk from my graduating high school class. Engineers, software geeks, roustabouts... all mostly married, many divorced or somewhere in between. Dads, men trying to enjoy and hold on to the laste vestiges of physical prowess and confident charm of youth. I remembered mostly the cocky arrogance of small town Texas boys, and those small town Texas boys grew up to be decent, likeable men. Without exception, it was impossible to miss the softening around the eyes and the pride-filled chests when they talked about their kids. Many have been married 12-14 years, and couple have kept the same wife throughout that time period. Made me proud to have grown up with the lot of them. Also made me want to drive home and hug my children. Hang gai boys!

Started on the novel again. First draft by Christmas, roll out finished product in time for Father's Day. Pulling out all the stops to. HAve a web site reserved, will have the literary equivalent of "DVD extras", and have even struck a deal for a soundtrack for the book. Here is to hoping that Father's Day 2007 is a damn sight better than Father's Day 2006...

For all of the young Dad's out there with the frustrations, the mistakes, the self-doubt. Many of us can, and did, learn more from our fathers than we think. And those clowns that you grew up with...? Give them a call, they just might surprise you.

Hang gai... Formerly Living.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Just Another Fallen Hero...

***UPDATE TO POST*** I have really been asleep at the wheel, but turns out that the Kansas asshats referred to below aren't spreading enough stupidity in the name of their God by protesting at funerals of fallen service men and women... Seems their latest tactic has been to protest at the funerals of fallen Patriot Guard Riders. When the Kansas asshats die and get sent to hell, I hope their room is right next door to mine... I am taking all my Metallica, Guns N Roses, KISS albums, and gonna sing at top of my lungs...

July 4th has come and gone, and I wonder how much we have forgotten already...

The first of week of June, I had the honor, albeit a sad affair, to ride in the funeral of one of the country's fallen warriors, Spc J. Adan Garcia. The Patriot Guard Riders escorts the families and the fallen, only with the permission of the family. The motorcycle escorts are both a show of respect, and a non-violent means to ensure that certain asshats from Kansas mind their own business. I don't know if God Hates Faggots or not, but I am pretty certain he hates asshats from Kansas...

The U.S. Armed Forces aren't the only bunch so soon forgotten. How about all of those cops that worked (or donated their time) on 4th of July so that the rest of us could sit back, drink longnecks, and generally act like idiots? Apparently, when the TSA identifies a shoe-bombing asshat, their first call is to the local PD.

As it turns out, Ft Worth Texas is the largest city in the nation without a police memorial. All three of my loyal readers have seen the rant about high profile cop-killings, such as that of Officer Nava. Now is the time to honor the memory of Officer Nava, and that of his fallen comrades.

Evil winds are blowing in, stench of death is in the air, weighing heavy on our hearts. These are the days of... Formerly Living.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Short Circuiting the Short Story

Freedom of the press is only free for those who own the press.

The lovely people in Austin who help lawyers keep track of their own recently reminded me that most of what I write is crap, gratuitously slathered across computer screens nationwide for the sole purpose of spiting the reader. The three that met their high expectations will be printed next month in the high brow professional rag. I am getting the jump on them, well, just because I can.

The short story is actually my working outline for a novel I wanted to write and release in conjunction with the bankruptfy reform act, but I was too busy doing the bidding of others. There are some pretty insidious provisions to the new bankruptcy code, some of which are hidden herein. If any one actually gives a damn, I will be happy to email you the Cliff notes.

This is copyright protected, and all rights domestic and international are specifically reserved to the author. I will sue for any violation thereof, because, well, I can.

Counsel for the Debtor
By Infinitegtr
Copyright 2006

The city bus lurched forward, tugging at Mayme’s drooping head and sagging shoulders. Mayme Johnston had not yet grown accustomed to the early mornings and the longer commute inherent in mass transit, but she had no choice after losing her car to the repo man. At the age of 63, Mayme had two grandchildren at home, her son’s kids. Keeping food on the table for herself had been difficult enough, especially with the cost of her medications. Now that she was working two jobs, Mayme felt as though she were grasping for a lifeline; the harder she tugged, the slacker the rope.
Mayme had mostly believed that by now she would have been able to quit working. Not retire really, not the way that other people retired to their condo’s and Cadillacs in Florida. All she really wanted was to spend her days playing grandma. Her hard-scrabble life never quite seemed to measure up to the most hard-scrabble of dreams.
Right after the birth of her second grand child, Mayme spent the last of her savings to help her son Scott cover the costs of an unexpected divorce. The night he appeared on her porch, dressed in his Army BDU’s, his face in anguish and his eyes filled with tears, she couldn’t turn him away. After he revealed that his wife continually neglected the children, and had just been arrested again for possession, Mayme was determined to protect "her babies" at any cost.
In the aftermath of the attorney’s fees from the divorce, Mayme’s car was repossessed when she fell behind on the payments. She had stopped answering the phone months ago, numbed to the endless barrage of threats, insults and curses from bill collectors. The sensory attack of an abusive phone-borne menace in one ear, and the cries of tired, hungry children in the other had become more than she could bear. Threats of lawsuit, public humiliation, homelessness and even jail time, those things were all tomorrow. The grandchildren were today, demanding and deserving her more immediate attentions.
Roused fully from her nap, as the bus driver carelessly fumbled through the gears, Mayme caught a glimpse of the newspaper carelessly tossed onto the seat across the narrow aisle. Just above the fold, peering back at her were the terminally tired eyes of a familiar stranger. The article, she suspected, was the latest in the series of public investigations, criminal indictments and civil lawsuits involving her recently retained bankruptcy lawyer.
This particular photo, and hundreds others just like it, had to be of someone else. The young man that comforted her when she cried in his office was a kind person; yet she sensed in him that same element she sensed in her own son as he prepared for his latest deployment to Iraq. That "thing" was neither anger nor hatred, perhaps a willful acquiescence to the brutal fights yet to come.
The man in the photo was her lawyer all right, but the eyes were wrong. Sad sometimes, often defiant, but not the tired eyes of the defeated man the newspapers tried to pass off. The man that she knew as Tomas Garcia had glowing embers of an eternal fire-fight in his eyes and fists doubled-up against the world, he was the man who was making sure this morning was the last time Mayme would have to take the bus to work.
The whole world heard the stories surrounding Garcia, but the scrutiny had been especially intense here in Houston. Two years after the Houston-based international oil giant GAAP had entered into its scandalous bankruptcy, Tom, a young associate with the law firm representing GAAP in bankruptcy court, emerged from a fog of controversy and secrecy, leaving behind him a broiling wake of intrigue and allegations of corruption at all levels.
On the verge of inflaming armed regional confrontations, GAAP’s bankruptcy was stayed so that Congress could convene its special committees and hold its televised and steroid-sized public hearings. Tension mounted for weeks as industry captains, lawyers, and even the bankruptcy judge were batted around by the politicians and excoriated by the press. The business men blamed the lawyers, the lawyers blamed Congress. The judge claimed to have been pressured by individual members of Congress, the administration, and even claimed that the CIA had him under surveillance.
The hearings painted a now predictable picture of accounting fraud, securities violations, looted retirement funds, and a bizarre array of duplicitous bankers and investors. None of these charges meant anything to Mayme, none brought her a better job, more insurance, or an easier time with the grandkids. Despite this, everyone was riveted to the unprecedented hearings. The public’s burning resentment of Big Oil went "nuclear" with the emerging stories of fraternity-style sex parties, a mercenary-fueled guerilla oil field war and backroom, Faustian bargains with "oil sheiks" and feckless South American dictators which had so blurred the lines between national security and corporate profit.
Corporate America and the legal community were already stunned by the time Tom was called to testify. Every flash-popping reporter and eye-squinting klieg light in the country bore down on Tomas Garcia, intent on exposing every dark secret and hidden fear tucked away in his soul. Faced with the likely prospect of losing his law license, and ignoring the death threats that poured in like a mid-summer monsoon, Tom endured withering questions on national television for a week. In confirming many of the self-implicating stories with a pleading, brutal honesty Tom had at least found the currency necessary to buy the trust and sympathy of the public.
That was when Tom told the world about the dead girl. He had loved her, GAAP had killed her and he blamed himself for her death.
Several months after the hearings had receded from the front pages of the collective conscience, Tom had returned to the Houston area to resume, at least temporarily, the practice of law. This time, though, he was not wandering the underground corridors of the air-conditioned ant farm of downtown Houston. Instead, Tom was sharing offices with Legal Aid in a newly acquired but long-ago renovated house in one of the poorest neighborhoods of Houston. The neglected structure, inescapably falling back in line with the appearance of the surrounding neighborhood, was only two houses away from the little Jefferson girl, who watched Mayme’s grandchildren on most days.
Mayme walked past the office two days in a row, pretending not to notice the new addition to the neighborhood. On the third day, Friday, she studied the small marquee on the front of the building with a feigned indifference. She spent the weekend pushing the babies in their stroller through alleys, picking through dumpsters for empty aluminum cans. The babies cried and sweated in the weltering humidity, further enraging platoons of angry neighborhood dogs barking a cacophony of warnings to the silver-haired intruder. The occasional questioning set of eyes appeared through blinds or from behind thin curtains.
A group of neighborhood thugs found Mayme before she could find her way back home, relieving her at knife point of her trash bag half full of aluminum scrap. The questioning eyes had suddenly disappeared even while the dogs collectively strained against their chains in a canine crescendo.
The following Monday, Mayme dropped the grandkids off early and marched resolutely to Garcia’s office door. By the time she reached for the door handle, her body was quivering as though racked with seizures, her tears coalescing into a stream of miserable exhaustion.
Mayme as much fell through the doorway as she walked through. The cramped, dimly lit hallway that greeted her was filled by both an ancient photocopier, and the slumped over figure glowering at the machine’s apparent refusal to work; his anger immediately dissipating at the sudden appearance of this sobbing, shaken woman.
Mayme shut the door behind her, dropped her hands to her side, and cried uncontrollably. Even in this crowded hall, her isolation was tangible and overwhelming.
"Please" she sobbed, "please help me. I just can’t do this anymore."
Tomas Garcia hesitated a moment, flashes of discomfort racing across his brow. Shaking away the doubt, he smiled warmly and stepped forward with hand extended. Mayme wrapped her arms around Tom’s neck, her muscles unknotting as the fear that had so bound her began to loosen its grip.
"Don’t cry, abuela. You’re safe now, okay?" At that moment, Mayme Johnston became the very first client of Tomas Garcia, Esq.
During their first meeting, after hearing her struggles, Tom signed and handed Mayme an embossed piece of paper, the calligraphy on top reading Certificate of Completion – Consumer Credit Counseling.
"Mrs. Johnston," a smile crawling across his dark features, "Congress could learn a thing or two from you about managing a budget."
Although she was terrified to do so, Tomas also gave Mayme a list of the bills that she could stop paying immediately. Reading her confusion, Tomas explained, "If Bill Gates were sitting where you are, I could tell him to go out today and buy a new car. I could explain to him not only why it is legal to do so, but I could counsel him as to all the reasons that it would be to his benefit. Since you are not Bill Gates, abuelita, I cannot advise you to stop paying all those bills on the list and to use that money as a down payment for a decent car."
Understanding, followed by a cautious joy, visibly crept through Mayme.
Tom slid a card across the table. "If Bill Gates followed my advice, I would send him to this car lot. The owner has a soft spot for all of the Bill Gates in the neighborhood; especially those that spend too much time on a bus away from their grand babies."
Over the next few weeks, most of the threatening calls stopped. The other thing that stopped was the monthly checks from her son Scott. At Garcia’s insistence, Scott agreed not to send any more money until after Mayme’s bankruptcy had been filed. Begging Tomas not to tell his mother, Scott confessed that he had delayed buying updated body armor and other needed gear for his unit just so he could help out with his kids.
Several weeks later, Tomas received a late night phone call.
"Mr. Garcia, this is Scott Johnston. I’m Mayme Johnston’s son."
"Of course, Scott. Are you okay?" Despite the hour, Tomas was fully alert.
"Yah… no I am fine, Mr. Garcia. I, look I don’t have much time, I just wanted to check in and make sure my mom is okay." Even thousands of miles away, a son’s love for his mother has a pervading, immediate presence.
Scott continued, "No disrespect sir, but everyone has heard the stories about you and that oil thing. Then yesterday I got a letter from mom saying that you weren’t charging her any money for your time. Some of the reservists here are law students, they said I should make sure you are legit."
"Scott, your mother paid in full the minute she said ‘Thank you’. She told me I changed her life, by helping your kids."
A distant, tense pause.
"I used to make a lot of money being a smart lawyer, but I never really understood what it meant to be a good lawyer. Those stories about me were also about the billables and bonuses that were my life. The truth behind the stories took that away from me, and left me empty. Your mom gave me back much, much more. Mayme taught me that the law can’t sacrifice good people for smart money."
Another pause, lighter now, "I guess you really can’t put that on a receipt, can you?"
The phone line hissed and popped as two voices spoke in unison, each to the other, "Thank you."

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

We Have all your Other Foots are Falling


So a couple days ago, I didn't go into the office. My blue collar work ethic (you read this as, the smothering, night sweating, spirit slaying belief that involuntary employment separation is just around the next corner) finally caught up with my poor math skills, and I took some much deserved time off. After toiling under the same thankless task master for 5 years, I have mostly drowned out (or can drink away) the feeling of guilt that is inevitably associated with taking a day off that does not involve some terminal disease. What never goes away is the dread of the things already late, and the new crises building on the horizon.

But none of that. The first hours away from work were spent reuniting with two of my best and closest friends from as far back as kindergarten. There weren't many of us to begin with, two others that we know of became lawyers. One is divorced already, and the other is fat, so I guess I am batting 1.000 so far...The evening filled my soul, rekindled my spirit. It also proved to me the extent that the man is formed from the boy, a hidden subplot of the novel I sometimes lie about writing... We eventually found our way to the evening's planned destination, and once again I learned that I don't have a monoploy on cleverly discovering all the cool things in life.

One of the greatest evenings of my life, reconnecting with two people who are the basis of so many of my happier childhood memories, discovering that they are both dynamic, energetic, creative men that I look up to and respect on so many levels. Aside from their damned lies (something about me being a child noted for having a terribly short temper), I can whole-heartedly endorse this concept of having a life not involving billable hours. I hope I can be as valued a friend to them as they are to me...

A day or so later, my lovely wife is on the back of my motorcycle, my father and my brother each following on their bikes. Somewhere outside of Weatherford, we picked up a gang of miscreant CPA's and lawyers all riding Harley products. I got lost, they followed us through Lostville. South of town, we formed up into a half-mile long, 65 mile an hour progression of chrome and steel tooling down the open road. Heaven and earth parted before us, nothing but asphalt in front of me, rear-view mirror filled only with the staggered, singular unblinking eyeballs trailing beyond my vision. Jesse James, kiss my ass... OCC got nothing on me (and in related news, Boyd Coddington is still a dick). A cell phone cannot be heard with wind rushing through the Shoei at 65 miles per hour, client complaints cannot cut through the wind fast enough to catch me. Life just grabbed a handful of clutch and shifted from bearable to pleasurable.

Sadly, avian flu has apparently arrived in Texas, and is airborne from road kill at 65mph. Spent the weekend projectile vomiting, curled in a ball praying for death or dismemberment.

First day back to the salt mines, nothing but more lies and more damned lies. Clients want Jerry Spence on a Jerry Springer budget. Boss wants to look like Jerry Spence on a Jerry Springer budget. Jerry Spence just called threatening to sue if I use his name in same sentence as "Jerry Springer budget." Suddenly avian flu doesn't look so bad after all.

Coats, soothes, relieves, restores perspective, preaches peace for none and love for all. 2 tablespoons of... Formerly Living.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Hey...HEY! It's GHOST RIDER!!!!


My friends, there comes a time in every man's life when his deepest needs are fulfilled, and his wildest dreams are realized. Beloved, that time has come for me.

As much as I hate Sony, those lovely little people have brought to fruition such a thing of beauty, a wonder to behold, salvation for for the poor and redemption for the lost. Yes, yes its true (weeping now).

Nick Cage is Johnny Blaze is Ghost Rider!!!! According to easily located Internet resources, this is news only to me, I guess all the people who count themselves as my friend or who pass themselves off as a loved one knew and didn't tell me! All is forgiven, let the countdown begin. Come prepared to ride, come ready to die, come willing to sell your soul to the Devil, but on February 17, 2007, don't come looking for me cause I will be qued-up in line at the theater with 12 ounces of $20 soda in one hand and full sized-Johnny Blaze cardoard cut-out in the other!

To all of those I have wronged, I apologize. To those who have wronged me, all is forgiven. To all those indifferent, you have my sympathy.

Johnny Blaze, meet Infinitegtr. Ghost Rider, meet... Formerly Living.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Weatherman: A Day in the Life of Formerly Living

My gift to you:

www.ultimatenitrofan.com If you win, and you get the Ennis Race, first round is on me. If you are an attractive, open-minded female, I will take you to the track on my motorcycle. Oh yeah, and you can spend the day with Ron Capps, Clay Millican (who did a cool blow-over last season), get some swag, driver autographs. Take me as your VIP guest.

Also, go to http://www.oreillyauto.com/EW3/WhatsNew1.do even if you think Boyd Coddington is a dick.

Monday, April 17, 2006

My Voice is My Identity

There exists a modern myth that the civil affairs of the great state of Texas continue to be governed by a wild band of cowboys with law degrees swaggering around town in 10 gallon hats, forcing themselves on the women folk and scaring small children. Nothing could be farther from the truth, we cling to the same soft-headedness of any good carpet-bagger barrister.

To wit: In a small town called Conroe, there is a small employer called Commercial Coating Services, who employed some allegedly small minded crackers with an allegedly industrial sized rope. As the pleadings go, apparently the victim was lured into a private area of the facility, and at some point, one of the crackers to be thought it would be a great idea to introduce neck to noose. Anyone who has placed a noose aroundthe neck of another knows that you can't do it without throwing in a few choice racial epithets for good measure, and golly gee that is exactly what allegedly happened here. Although the company denies any wrong-doing, in a settlement approved by U.S. Disctrict Judge Keith Ellison, not only did the company agree to pony up a $1 million settlement, they also agreed to a sweet little symbolic gesture that warms the chilled air in the heart of my inner-cynic...

As part of a million dollar settlement, invovling the EEOC, and people who actually passed the bar exam as administered by the great state of Texas, everyone joined hands, swayed back and forth singing some old time gospel... and agreed that CCSI should plant a tree in the front yard...

Plant a tree? Beloved, this is like settling a lawsuit with a diabetic by paying them in Twinkies! What message does this send the cracker-successors that will inevitably fill the vacuum left by the noose-toting offendors? "Hell boy, ya brought the noose to the lynchin' party, but you didn't think to find a tree...?" The legal trade rag hailed this settlement as a fine example of how lawyers can improve the quality of society, how creative and caring lawyers can help make great strides in the refining the human condition, bring a little love to the table in a form other than filthy green backs. Such soft-headedness is clearly devoid of any real thought...

There is a dark truism shared amongst many personal injury lawyers and insurance defense lawyers, something about a dead plaintiff being cheaper than a maimed litigant... Maybe that truism has circulated in a little town in Conroe.

In related news, ground-breaking paternity litigation has been filed in Tarrant County. According to pleadings, the best interest of the child can now be ensured by informally severing the parent/child relationship, and establishing paternity through inanimate objects, such as ATM machines. A new generation of children without fathers, but content with PIN access, ensuring the constant and uninterrupted supply of Ipods. All further relief not granted herein shall be... Formerly Living.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Should I call IT, or a Priest?



The great chase is over. Motorcycle #1 is a Suzuki Intruder. I will post the account number for the emergency medical savings account later.

Born to Be...Formerly Living.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

That's Where the Retardation Begins

Last week, my oldest child threatened suicide. Child #1 is a few months shy of being 15.

When I started this blog, I was on the road, Boston I think. At that point, Child #1 had not spoken to me in several months, stopped coming to the house, would barely speak to me when I made my quarterly phone call to see if anything was forgiven yet. Being on the road so much made it easier for me to ball all of the daily guilt up and pack it away somewhere that the National Safety Administration couldn't find during the numerous bosy cavity searches I was subject to.

Throughout my adult life, I believed that even if I failed at everything else, I would always be a good father. In 2002, less than a year after 9/11, and while dealing with a second major flare up of multiple sclerosis, I began the long painful process of leaving one family to start another.

Wife #1 (who was, by that time, also wife #2) made certain that the process was a loud, long, painful, public matter. Though we never honestly discussed the matter, I suspect her point was to visit upon me the same time of pain and shame I was visiting upon her. The difference was, she decided to use and abuse the very legal system I worked in an attempt to take my children away from me, tried to make me look like a thief, a liar, and a deadbeat. I was accused of having secret bank accounts, having affairs for years, hiding assets. I cared little about those things. Fresh out of law school, having grown up in a series of mobile homes, the only assets we had were a set of Ginsu knives, and the new VCR I bought when we had been remarried.

The apparently accepted manipulation of the legal system to aid in the attempt to take my kids away, that bothered me immensly. It changed the way I view many things not the least of which include my job, the courts, and my colleagues who make their money jacking with other people's kids. The harder I tried to do good and be a "suitable parent", the more it backfired.

Once the divorce was finally, thankfully completed, I tried to get on with the business of putting my relationship with my kids back together. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was also trying to establish new relationships with new kids and shortly a new wife. For a short time I worked a few weekends as a security guard just to buy groceries.

During the summer, I was moving stuff across town from an apartment to a rent house. Wife #3, was just home from the hospital after we had our first child together. The office was calling wanting to know when the hell I was coming back to work. I was seriously unhinged as a person, apparently useless as a father. I let the outside stressors build up, and vented my frustrations on my family. It was the last straw for Child #1. She never came back.

For a long time, she blamed it on Wife #3, the new kids, she lashed out at anything and everything. That was 2 years ago.

When I started the blog, I was searching for some public persona that would allow me to feel normal for a bit. It was no longer normal to carry on the types of conversations that people do when first meeting. Waddya do, have kids, how many...? I felt as though I carried a scarlet "Asshole" sewn on my clothes, as though everyone knew I had a child that hated me. That was the inspiration for the name of this blog. New wife, new kids, new job responsibilities all required that I keep functioning. But inside I was dead, or at least starting to flatline. I kept believing that Child #1 would come around, certainly that is what everyone kept telling me.

Child #2, seeing the upside to familial chaos, is now following suit. The day that Child #1 was coming home from the facility Child#1 spent the better part of the week in, Child #2 called to ask me how to get new music on Child #2's Ipod. Child #2 hasn't been here in 2 months. 10 minutes into the call, I had to interrupt Child 2 to see when Child 1 was coming home. I also finally asked Child 2 about summer vacation. Yeah, a week long trip to Seattle sounds cool, but no I don't want to spend the summer with you.

Child 1 is home now, and finally getting the counseling that has been so sorely needed the last 2 years. Mom had decided the Child 1 didn't have to go to counseling unless, at the child's discretion, it was necessary. And I am the piss poor parent. Just incredible.

Children 1 and 2 will call me when they are ready to have a relationship. They will call me when the Ipod is broken.

The job has new requirements. I have to start building a name, a reputation, and a book of business of my own. As more and more companies resort to bankruptcy, and more non-bankruptcy litigators get in on the game, it truly is becoming a mercenary-staffed battlefield of suicidal clients and assassin litigators. I hate the job, but I do so love the work.

The time for my apologies has passed, the retributions will, undoubtedly, be lifelong. My failure as a father, and as a man, have stripped away any value I may have represented to my children. To complete strangers, my time is worth $250 an hour. I don't get much of the $250, but enough to buy some more Ipods as time goes on.

If you think I'm an asshole now, just wait till you see me as... Formerly Living.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Spring Break Extra - Greybeard University

All the kiddies are out on spring break. You can always tell because the bars are empty, the planes are full, credit-card issuing bank stocks are up, and the additional weight of fresh new debt tilts the party barge to one side so that the increasingly overweight co-eds slide across the deck on their pasty, thong split asses.

With the co-ed age leaches out of the house, next door apartment or vomit covered gutter, take this opportunity to take a quick look at the plans that all of you loyal readers have been making regarding your investment/retirement accounts. In previous posts, we danced around growth versus equity, and, if you were paying attention, established that you are gonna be your own gate-keeper for your money.

Where in the world, you ask, can we find some place that is worthy of guiding the newbie investor in each one of us? Here is the profile... we ain't talking about day trading here, nor are we talking about timing, metrix, forex, or any other get-rich-quick type of voodoo. If you are so inclined to this kind of investment, I suggest this resource... For the rest of us, we can tolerate a trading station that does not execute trades faster than I can drink two fingers of scotch at work. Some of us, like me, don't have a lot to work with so we need also need a table with a small buy-in. That means that account minimums gotta be reasonable, and per-trade-fees have got to be as equally reasonable. For you and me, all we really need is some thing like Sharebuilder, or the new $7 per trade that Bank of America offers. Despite my unsolicited dislike for banks, B of A also has a program that automatically transfers your "pocket change" from your checking to your savings account each day, a concept fully endorsed by the facutly of good ol' Greybeard U.

How then, do we play our short stack of chips so that we have enough chips to go slip toes in the hot sands with all the college refuse now south of the border? If you have been paying attention, you know that a portion of your portfolio needs to be stocks you know because they are products you use/ or an industry that you know. These are the stocks that Google sends you an alert on, you read the SEC filings on a regular basis, and the CEO has you on the speed dial (or has requested a temporary restraining order so that you leave him or her alone).

The next significant portion of the portfolio is gonna be split, at some percentage between growth and income. For the young, reckless and indestructible, the percentage of growth stock is probably going to be much higher than the old and broke down set like greybeard. At least, that is the conventional wisdom, and I don't know that conventional carries the day today.

Growth is like an addiction. You get a little, you want more. Soon, you gotta have more and more just to get the same rush. Growth stockers have lots of GM shares they are shedding. Growth stockers were orgasmic over Enron, right up to the very end. The latest messiahs for growth have been the pencil-neck geeks at Google. The problem is that the institutional investors who make their money taking risks with other people's money expect more and more growth, and they don't give a damn how it is accomplished.

Growth stockers are easily bored, so they play this little game each quarter, where the target company provides estimates about growth, income, revenue, the number of import banana-yellow thongs that will be purchased...whatever. The stockers, not complacent with watching the game, have their own quarterly forecasters, the "analysts". Anaylsts are the "they", the "them", the nebulous of collective wisdom that the rest of us refer to prove an unfounded point, such as "They say that Bill Gates is giving away $500 if you forward this email I keep hearing about," or "Google stock is good enough for them." "They" play a game each quarter that has profound impact on Mom and Pop SixPack's retirement fund.

Last month, Google stock took a huge hit in value, meaning it's share price decreased. Google didn't lose money last quarter, they aren't getting sued because their latest drug made Thalidmide babies look like Olympic swimmers, nor have they profitted from no-bid government food service contracts that starve our service men and women. No, last quarter Google made money, they just didn't make as much money, AT THE GROWTH RATE THAT THE ANALYSTS GUESSED THEY SHOULD! In their defense, Google released a press release explaining that the "organic growth" rate was probably at its peak.

Beloved, note two things here. When Google launched its now historic IPO, part of the manifesto from the math geeks suggested that they weren't going to play the forecast games that other companies in the past, notably Enron, had used to drive the short-term implementation of the company business plan. Problem is, even if the target company wont paint a big red cross hair on its ass every quarter, the analysts do it anyway. What this means for you and me is, the value of a huge company is being driven by the wild-ass guess of a bunch of pencil pushers in NYC. If a company grows 25% in one quarter, but the wise ass analysts say that growth should have been 35%, the value will drop overnight by 30%... just like Google.

The second thing you should note... when corporations start using language that would make the White House Press Office swell with pride, terms like "organic growth", it is time to place your bets elsewhere.

Growth investing, over the long term, has been profitable for two generations. Growth investing on the short term, betting on sustained, meteoric growth seems to be new phenomenon. If you are gonna heavily invest in growth stocks, know that which you put your chips into.

Income stocks are ugly, boorish, and not much fun to discuss around the beer-bong. Rather than focus on growth in terms of the stock price, income stocks look to pay a dividend to share holders. As a result, income stocks tend to be represented by more consistent and predictable approaches to core business. This means that it is, or should be, easier for the great unwashed such as you and I to track what they are up to. The beauty about income stocks, especially in programs such as Sharebuilder, is that the dividends can be automatically reinvested, so that you don't feel like you have a few bucks sitting around burning a hole in your pocket. Think of it as a savings account that builds equity.

Here is a good starting point to see what makes an income stock a good income stock...

While you discuss amongst yourselves, Spring Break is almost over, so I gotta run a few hundred more miles, shed that winter weight, decide between the Triumph of my dreams, jump on the Von Dutch anti-marketing anti- rebel rebel image, stick with the sentimental favorite, build my own, or strike out in new patriotic directions with the Victory motorcycle. [I know, I know. Victory is owned by Polaris, and Polaris is a division of Bombardier, a Canadian interest, but every year or so, I apply for an in-house counsel job with Bombardier, so blow me.] The end of spring break means the return of the co-eds, and mini-skirts will rise just as surely as gas prices; neck lines will plunge like GM revenue. With a good raise, I am even gonna get a custom painted helmet, a pin-up girl on the side, and on the back in blood-red razor blade tattoo paint... Formerly Living.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

"Woman, I Broke my Rock!"



This weekend, I crossed off one of the things on my "To Do before I Die List", and took a motorcycle safety course. Yes, the irony is not lost on me that participation in this activity could prematurely end my existence, and thereby prevent me from completing the other items on my list. Guess what? The same can be said for all the other items on the list as well... so smoke 'em if you got 'em!

I put off doing this a long time, even though I grew up riding motorcycles with 2-4 wheels, and even though I have always wanted to ride with my dear dumb ass dad. I just didn't do it. Prince rode a motorcycle. Chuck Norris rode a motorcycle. The Terminator rode a motorcycle. Hell, if you look close enough, half the horses in the old John Wayne movies had two wheels and a panhead. And the unnatural attraction of chicks to motorcycles? Never bothered to exploit that opportunity.

My wife has been, figuratively and literally, standing around tapping her toes, waiting for me to get a motorcycle. I didn't even have to resort to the tried and trued "Gas prices, baby... we can save money". For the life of me, I just couldn't figure out why she wanted me to get a bike so badly...

So, I did learn a couple of things. For instance, there are some folks that have been riding for years, but don't knwo the first damn thing about how to ride a motorcycle. Those are the folks that keep national insruance rates high, but do help in thinning out the herd a bit. Next, I figured out that my dreams of running down to the local Triumph dealership and buying the biggest, baddest cruiser or cafe racer they got is just going to have to wait a bit. Here is to growing older and wiser at a measured rate.

Most importantly though, I have decided that the United States should implement a mandatory program requiring every licensed citizen to ride a motorcycle for an entire year as their primary means of transportation. Only in this way can the asshats of the world understand why it ain't okay to make a right hand turn out of the left lane, across 4 lanes of traffic.

Even with visions of my eyeballs exploding like nightmarish sugarplums at 80 miles an hour, over the two days that I was in the course, I didn't worry about work or seethe with unquenched rage at my ex-wife or bemoan the two children who have disowned me, nor did I shake my fists at the Bush administration that has made it so difficult to remain Republican after 15 years of loyal service. Monday morning, when I got back to the pressure cooker, I felt better than I had in months. There really is something about riding a motorcycle that you just cannot get from any other recreational narcotic.

My wife's anniversary is next week. She has authorized the release of her approved wish list:

1. A motorcycle for her loving husband

2. Someone to ride with [link NSFW]

3. A new watch

4. Home security system

5. Membership in exclusive club

Is it any wonder I love this woman so?

Over the weekend, volunteer and professional firefighters all over the Texas Panhandle battled the largest fire in Texas' recorded history, nearly 800,000 acres as of this morning. Some reports attribute 11 deaths to the fire. Towns were evacuated and homes were burned. These are all people and places I know and love dearly, so don't make me chase your cheap ass down.

Please send financial contributions here. [Photo is property of AP/Amarillo Globe News]

Glad to be alive, glad to be able to ride, waiting for the rains to return to my beloved Panhandle so I can ride home. Sitting in the sidecar beside me, dressed in a yellow rainslicker and limo-dark tinted goggles...Formerly Living.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I am to the Blogosphere What David Lee Roth is to FM Radio


Beloved I have returned to disappoint and dismay! After spending two weeks marketing the lovely little Star-Telegram, and another two weeks mourning my loss, I am back in full rock-and-roll glory.

While trying to improve my own lot in life, I missed all the other good juicy stuff... the triumphant return of the nitro sweetness of NHRA racing, cheating in NASCAR, the Cheney shooting, Dubai Days and Port Week, Newsweek pulls the plug on terminally ill New Orleans, oh the things I have so missed making fun of!

Lo and behold, children I wake up on Fat Tuesday, and the voodoo gods give me Anna Nicole Smith at the Supreme Court, Google Smells Like Enron Spirit, and cry baby CBS sues Howard Stern. Please excuse me a moment longer while I choke back the tears of joy.

Before anyone gets seriously twisted, please understand the jurisprudential value of the Anna Nicole Smith case. Many times I find myself fighting for the rights of the poor and the defenseless, the down-trodden and the hygiene-challenged. Second only in importance to the Second Amendment, is the sticky constitutional issue of jurisdiction. Now, I am normally a states' rights guy all the way. But there are two compelling arguments that the media and those arrogant legal commentators are missing. First, the greater jurisdiction that bankruptcy courts can exercise, the more money I can bring home to my lovely wife. Second, and perhaps even more importantly, the state court that Miss Smith lost in was in Texas. I have not completed my own review and analysis of all the relevant pleadings, but I seem to recall that the first paragraph of the jury instructions in the Texas case read something like this..."Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, before you answer each of the questions below, the Court reminds and instructs you that Miss Smith has made her money the old fashioned way... she humped it to death...". Now, does that hardly sound fair? There clearly are times that the federal gubment needs to step in and help the country's favorite stripper (and, in all fairness, the bankruptcy court found that dead man's son destroyed evidence in order to win...takes a real man to cheat and lie in court to beat up on any woman, no matter how far the angel has fallen).

Don't be fooled, this case has such importance to the system... I am gonna have to engage in large scale research... all the way to the very beginning.

If anyone was paying attention two weeks ago, Google stock took a kick in the shorts. Not because Google lost money, only because Google has let itself get tangled up in the game of analysts' outlooks and forecasts. More on that later, but here is the point that someone needs to make...

Google may have a 32nd flavor, a little aftertaste of Enron.

Not because Google is ripping off its retirement funds, soaking cash out of the company, or setting up tricky little special purpose entities, but because investors fell in love with Google, without understanding how Google really makes its money, and failing to understand that stratospheric growth year after year and quarter after quarter isn't possible. You heard it here first (at least until Google turns this site black), in a year Google shares will be below $250 unless Google changes its basic business model, and you can ask GM how easy that is.

Serves those arrogant math geeks right... and by the way, in the interest of full disclosure, I have indeed been banned from AdSense, and I think there is a helluva lot better way to do what they want to do.... math tards...

CBS sued Stern today. They are pissed because he talked about Sirius Radio, they are pissed because Stern helped Sirius hit some subscriber targets and Stern got a tidy little $200 million bonus for doing so. CBS claims that Stern and Sirius did all this at the cost of CBS, use of CBS airtime was a misappropriation of CBS's resources. Christ in a can ladies, Stern was a misappropriation of public airwaves for years. He had huge ratings in the last three months of his time on the public airwaves, because everyone wanted to hear the coming train wreck. Stern says that the ad space was sold out at the end, and I gotta believe that. 99% of my Stern experience was in the last three months. CBS also through in count that they had, essentially, first right of refusal to any new radio programming Stern might dream up. If I understand the charge, CBS is gonna tell a judge, with a straight face and a fancy suit, that THEY should have had a piece of Stern's work on Sirius, after years of leaving Stern dangle in the wind everytime the FCC got their thong in a tangle. I still think Stern's content was crap, but I am gonna prepare my resume now to serve as a high-priced expert for Stern's legal defense team... god I love this country.

Vacation is over, Papa Justice is back, time to get... Formerly Living!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

BLOG EXPLOSION/TRAFFIC SWARM Members WIN FREE BOOK

*******2ND UPDATE********
The People have spoken.... and I get Hosed again. Rant to follow (to follow the crying and dry heaves from the 3 day bender I am starting). Good Luck to the Final 3 (I hope they enjoy their shiny, happy lives as well-adjusted, emotionally available members of society).
Thanks to everyone who voted, and special thanks to everyone who tapped their contact list for votes (and a very special thanks to those of you, WIFE, who didn't bother to tell anyone... Bad Santa knows where you sleep, and where you have hidden the extra key to the backdoor, and where you keep the gas can for the chainsaw).
Even though I am a piss poor loser, there are several folks in line for free books, will let you know in a week or two.
For those that didn't get free books, the proceeds of all book sales are going to two good causes, so please, when they come out, go buy one...
Now, go away. I am off to prove that my ex-wife is right about everything she ever said about me...
*****UPDATED*******

My entry made the final round of voting!!! The Big Ten, the Final Decade, The Last of the Wannabe's!!! Go back to the Star-Telegram for the next round of voting. Even if you voted in the first round, EVERYONE gets to vote one more time, until midnight (CST) Sunday.

The final round is populated with very talented writers, so I gotta sweeten the deal. Whoever can demonstrate that they drove the most votes from their friends, family, employees and lovers will get a comped copy (autographed if I can swing it), plus one of your contacts will get a free copy as well. Its like Amway, except better...

After you vote, send me an email at infinitegtr@gmail.com with an email or name, then as each of your suckers, I mean upline, I mean your loved ones... when they vote, tell them to email me and let me know you referred them.

C'mon, live the dream, help a brother out! Think of your vote as the cost you gotta pay to keep me too busy to keep up this crappy blog!!! Inflict the pain of my writing on others! Share the love man...

Between now and February 7, Blog Explosion, Traffic Swarm or members of any other such traffic source who go vote for entry #38 in the Star-Telegram Serial Novel contest will have the chance to win a free copy of the serial novel when it is published!

In order to be eligible, click through the Star Telegram link above, surf your way to the voting form, use number 038 to vote. After you have voted, send an email to infinitegtr@gmail.com that includes your email address, and also cut and paste or re-type any 4-5 words from entry #38 ( so I can reasonably confirm you actually went to the site) in your email. Please vote only once in the first round, as duplicate votes will be pulled by the Star-Telegram.

I will offer up an additional free copy to the Blog Explosion member who can refer the most non-Blog Explosion voters. Have them follow the instructions above, make sure they use your email address to indicate who referred them.

If I can make it into the second round of voting, there will be additional copies given away. If I actually get selected to participate in the book, will see about getting some autographed copies as well. The free copies are coming out of my back pocket, and not from the publisher, so please drive in as many votes as you can!

Check back here to see what happens!

Monday, January 30, 2006

Christmas Done Come Early

This is IT! Day One of personal freedom is dawning! I need the help of everyone that loves, hates or barely tolerates me!! Go take a peak at the 400 PLUS entries in the Ft Worth Star-Telegram Serial Novel Contest, and before you leave, if you wouldn't mind dropping in a vote for entry #038 (have to use three numeral format on the voting form, which is a pop-up), then I won't have to come to your place of work and tell all of your co-workers and friends about the shameless little display down in Mexico last summer, the terms of your probation from the last Las Vegas trip, or why you still have nightmares about showing up for grade school nude...


Voting ends Feb 7, and with 400 entries this is more about marketing than writing, so call in any favors you have, call your girlfriend, call your mom... hell, call your girlfriend's mom. Just show a little love...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Advanced Consumer Econ Pt IV - Greybeard U


Before we thump our chests, and start chanting about putting the women and children to bed in advance of our little hunt and kill expedition, there are a few more basics to cover before we go balls to the wall and start spending your children's inheritance on off-shore, pyramid, fractionally owned, currency traded, China-Googled get rich quick investments. These are simple rules, the advice is free, you get what you pay for...

I read somewhere once that managing your invesments/retirement is a necessary part-time job. Swell. I have been working 12-15 hours a day since the first week of January as it is. I already have a part-time teaching job. The sweetness of nitromethane powered drag racing begins next weekend. I have children scattered across the DFW metroplex. The newest chapter to the rest of my life starts in a few short hours. All I need is one more part-time job. In order to keep your pieces o green in your investment account, it makes sense to keep the universe of potential investments limited.

Rule 1: Select a number of stocks that you want to track on a regular basis. 10 may not be enough, 75 may be too many. You probably won't be invested in all of the stocks in your pool at the same time. Inevitably you will read about some wonderkind emerging stock that you will want to take a look at, and there will be a drowning victim in your pool that you want off the list. Out goes the room temperature ballast, in goes the new stock. Think of it as window shopping for stocks.

Rule 2: Stick to what you know. Refuse to by any razor except Gillette? Does your pantry look like a show room for Coca-Cola and Duncan Hines? Do you work for a Fortune 500, and find that you like your job, believe in your product, and your customers love you? Have a pretty good handle on the ebb and flow of retail, or you are certain you understand how Google generates its massive income? You just established the foundation for your pool. If you constantly find yourself bitching about the cost of a tank of gas, only to be greeted by airy commentary on the car radio about how MobilExxonShellBP mega oil just posted record profits again, yet you keep going to the SAME branded gas station for your weekly poke up the ass, guess which oil company you need to invest in...

Rule 3: Open the package. Over the remainder of this course, we will talk about some very simple concepts and vocabulary words that will allow you to simply and easily monitor the health and saftey of your favorite swimmer. You will need to find a library or other public computer so that you can visit the SEC on a regular basis, without the black helicopters hovering over your house in "Silent Mode" ala' Blue Thunder. For now, with your super-secret SEC log-in, all you need to know is WHAT does the company do, WHERE does it do it, HOW does it do it, and does it have to have a lot of DEBT to get it done?

In an earlier post, I mentioned that Blockbuster had found a way to punish its current customer base AND delay bankruptcy for another 6 months, by jacking up the monthly fees on its "FastPass" or "Passport" or whatever the hell where you could take two movies and keep 'em forever, or alternatively, spend all day picking out two movies, walking through the door, and getting two more... the clerks love it when you do that 30-40 times on a busy Saturday. Point is, Blockbuster has been having a bit of trouble keeping banks, bondholders, and other investors happy. (Forget for the moment that they have not been able to stay out of court due to their practices regarding late fees). Just like Aunt May, who had to file bankruptcy last year, or the federal government that files a psuedo-bankruptcy every time it jacks up taxes, or issues more T-bills, companies that rely on credit to operate get themselves in trouble. They lose flexability, they lose the ability to quickly jump on emerging business opportunities, and their credit costs (think of those credit cards in your wallet that will all be at 30% APR's by July) eat into the profit margins they have to produce to keep you, as a potential or actual investor, happy. When Blockbuster raised its monthly fees, I shut off my account. Netflix for me all the way baby (unless Blockbuster wants to bring its bankruptcy bidness to me, then we can talk).

GM claims it has 19 billion in cash, but then you gotta figure in the 3 billion and change that they are sloughing off to Delphi, and you gotta look at that little issue of having lost 4 billion in the last quarter. (Just once, I would like to blow 4 billion in 3 months....). Until GM uses some of that money to design a car that doesnt look like the by-product of a monkey humping a football, there is little chance that they can stop the nose dive. Without access to truly "free" cash, or cheap credit, GM just don't stand a chance with the current line up.

For a while, Sturm Ruger was a great invesmtent. They were debt free. They were closely aligned to their core business. Papa Bill was still at the helm. Liberal activists hadn't started their attempts to pervert a legal system that already has its hand up the girls' skirts by trying to sue gun makers out of existence. Dont expect to find a bushel basket full of debt free companies, but if a member of your pool cannot take a corporate crap without Moody's or Standard and Poor issuing a flurry of press releases, maybe that stock should be on the Dead Pool list.

That is enough for tonight beloved. Scour the home, find 5-6 items that you or your loved ones purchase on a regular basis, start building your pool. Next class, someone remind me to tell you why Starbucks may be a better buy than Burger King...

Dateline Detroit - GM announced today, in a last chance attempt to save North American operations, that it will take a two pronged approach to realign its business model with market demands. In an admission that GM has been whore-mongering its "other" lines, GM will revive Oldsmobile, and at the same time will completely spin-off Oldsmobile and Pontiac so that they can stretch their wings and create some truly unique, muscular opponents to Ford and Dodge. Even more shocking, GM announced a special racing option that will be available for all of the current GM lineup including the Corvette, the Solstice, the GTO and the "Oh we dont know if we will build it or not" Camaro concept. Departing from previous numbering systems, the new racing package will be designated the L69, but your local dealer will know it as simply... Formerly Living.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Nuclear Iran, and other Modern Disappointments


Perhaps the end is near after all. The other day at lunch, my cellmate and our paralegal shared an elevator with a bunch of accountants from a temporary office on our floor. In the time it took to descend 120 feet to the ground floor, I came to understand how exactly the emergence of the Metroplexual will indeed spell the end of Western society, and perhaps all of civilization as we have come to know and despise it.

Young Metro #1: "Gosh, where should we eat. You think we can get into El Guapo now?

Toying with being neighborly to the temporary residents, I almost pointed out that El Guapo is impossible to get into after 12:15, especially with a group as large as theirs. Before this rare display of common courtesy could escape from my grips, the other hairy girls from next door chime in...

Young Metro #2: "Now hold on, silly. Where did you eat last night?"

Playful pause.

Young Metro #1: "Ooooh, that is right. I just don't think I could possibly eat there again today. Where should we eat then?

Young Metro #2: "Hmmm. I don't know. Where do you want to eat?"

Metros #3-6, in satiny unison: "Gosh, dunno...what about you? Isn't there a tea room nearby? I just dunno, where do you want to eat?"

In between the mindless exchanges, there was scattered chatter about television commercials, clothes, Golden Globes, how Aunt Sally got the blood spatter off the wall and the brain material out of the carpet.

Come on girls! Get yer hands out of yer pants, and drop those purses already. Why the hell don't you get right to the nut-cutting, skip lunch, pile into your compact hybrid, and go to the shoe store, or get facials together. Its bad enough that I gotta have a similar conversation with my wife at the end of the day, who, despite being home all day long hasn't had a single brain cell to devote to deciding where I am going to pay money to have a stranger feed me and then do the dishes, thereby releiving her of that duty as well. You boys wanna wear your girlfriend's lace panties, or momma's hairnet, take that shit to American Idol, don't bring it to my elevator.

This close to the Super Bowl, we should be warming up our smacking hand, chilling the beer, and selecting the finest cheese and other half-time snacks. Saunter your dainty asses to the vending machine, get a 40 ounce can of Cajones, or maybe an extra shot of testosterone in your smoothies, and make up your damned mind. Brokeback Mountain my ass... bring them cowboys down off the fence, put khaki's and a goatee on 'em, put em in an office and call them accountants... Brokedown Metroplexuals is more like it.

Last week, of all the countries in the world, France said they would nuke Iran if they had to in order to keep those towel-wrapped little devils in their place. France didn't immediately retract the statement and surrender, so I was a little worried.

Monday, Credit Suisse and UBS Warburg said they were sending the Iranians packing, and telling Iran to take their uranium soaked lucre else where. Both institutions claimed their relative holdings were small, just over a billion dollars in one instance. Beloved, I don't care if it is ten cents or ten billion, when banks walk away from money, THAT scares me. Gold is undervalued until it hits $685. If the Israelis hit Iran this calendar year, gold is undervalued at $850. If the Israelis don't hit Iran's nuke facilities this calendar year, gold is a bargain at a grand.

Both children from wife #1 have now committed themselves to having a relationship with my checkbook, but not me; without much planning or forethought and an abundance of willful, wanton and malicious intent, have now apparently alienated all of my siblings; sitting at office right now working on this sub-par post while the wife is at home by herself with two infant boys that have some rare, deadly form of flu/bubonic plague... The tri-fecta is in play.

Took up a collection from co-workers, about to go purchase the winning lottery ticket and abscond with the winnings. If I can't get paid in gold specie, I will just get a cashier's check made payable to the order of... Formerly Living.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Advanced Consumer Econ pt. III - Greybeard University


Some time ago, I shot off my mouth about investing specifically, and the state of corporate America in general. Rather than get right to the nut cutting about investing, there was a little discussion about consumer debt, and another very basic course about keeping one's own donuts on one's own extendable donut holder. Finally, as promised, is the end all and be all of investing on the 21st century (sort of, this will be a multi-part presentation).

Just need to clean up two matters from before. Federal law now entitles you to a free credit report every year. It is possible to request your free report on line, but here are two cute tricks. You can't hardly Google your way to the correct web site, which is www.annualcreditreport.com . The link is accessible from Experian, but you cannot get the free report directly from the bureaus, gotta go through the link. Trick number 2... when you go to www.annualcreditreport.com don't ask for reports from all three bureaus at once. Make it a habit every four months to go to the web site, and rotate who you request report from. For example, pick Experian today, go back and get Equifax 4 months from now, TransUnion 8 months from now, and start the cycle again next January with Experian again.

If you do this, you can continually monitor and correct your credit year round, without being out any dough. Also, it takes a couple of months to clean up your report, so if you correct something on Experian now, the correction should show up on Equifax 4 months down the road.

Bonus trick! Also, you gotta understand that your Transunion score is usually the lowest of the bunch. TransUnion tends to report more of your bad behavior than the others. That is why you need to put it at the end of the cycle, you give yourself 8 months to start clearing up erroneous credit reporting before you get to those weasel-nuts.

One more house cleaning matter. Earlier I extolled the virtues of gold, but even when the Dow hit 11,000 the other day, gold was at its highest point in several years. If, like me, you believe that the US housing market is about to rollover and heave like a coed at Mardi Gras, gold is still a good buy even at today's price. There is a series of gold coins that is a bit undervalued right now... they are commonly called Coronet coins, made in the mid-1800's through the early 1900's. Most of the coronets minted 1877 and afterwards are a helluva bargain right now. If you have a good local dealer, go see him. If not, try this guy . His collector coins are a little pricey, but he will do you right on the gold.

Also, keep in mind that other precious metals have more industrial uses than gold does (and therefore more intrinsic value). Platinum comes to mind...

Either way, I still fear the Chinese... I meant to say, I for one welcome our new Chinese overlords. In 1995-ish, the US only had enough currency to physically embody 8% of the total "wealth" held within the economy. All of the rest of the "money" was nothing more than electronic transfers and bank ledger entries. In short, the money didn't exist, you only had money to buy things because the bank said you did; even if there was cash to be had, it is only worth anything because Uncle Sam says so. Gone are the days when you can belly up to the Federal Reserve with a fistful of sweaty singles, and exchange it for gold. Once the Chinese bend us to their will, the only tender that the US dollar will be good for is kindling to keep warm while all the world's oil goes to China and India. Soooo, gold may be a bargain today at any price.

With that upbeat message, on to today's lesson.

Investing, unfortunately, means more than socking some cash into a Mason jar or picking up some lottery tickets while grabbing a drink for the evening. Modern day investing is little more than an updated form of alchemy. It largely consists of giving your worthless green stuff, cash, to someone else in the hopes they will give you more green stuff, cash, back. Lead to gold, cash to cash...

While there are many ways to have people give you cash, the alchemy of choice today is the stock market. Because there is so much money being dumped into the stock market now, there are 18 different kinds of hucksters, used car dealers, pimps, lawyers, brokers, bankers and shunned dentists trying to separate you from your paper lead. What result is a complex trading system that benefits from your ignorance and inaction.

Since we have all agreed, for the time being, that those funny looking green sheets of toilet paper can be exchanged for goods and services, then we gotta figure out a simple way to suck as much cash out of the system as we can. The odds are stacked against us. The rules are complex, or out of date. The alchemists use big words, sliding through ambiguities and slipping through cracks they help create. A swift kick in the nuts ought to slow them down long enough for us to get ours too.

So if you are gonna play in the alchemists' lab, you need to understand what the rules are.

Hypothetically, one could use a green piece of paper, cash, to buy another piece of paper, a stock certificate. One piece of paper says "In God we Trust", the other piece of paper says "Owner and Holder of 1 Share of Infinitegtr, Inc., and entitled to all rights and appurtenances therein." Taken by themselves, one piece of paper is as useless as the other.

If you show up at the locked, gated entrance of Infinitegtr, Inc., with stock share in hand, you ain't getting in to see the President, no chance in hell will the guards let you into the control room and pull the red handle with the placard saying "Do Not Touch!". If you try to drive one of the company vehicles around the corporate campus, somebody is gonna Taser your ass. Even though the new piece of paper in your hands says you are a partial "owner" of Infinitegtr, Inc., no body is gonna jack with you or listen to your great idea about how to generate more of the green paper.

The only way that the front gate lets you in is if you have lots and lots of green pieces of paper, and exchange that paper for lots and lots of stock certificates. Even then, although you "own" lots and lots of Infinitegtr, you still cannot fire the smart-ass, slack-jawed lackey working the guard house because he is picking his nose with one hand and using his "crotch-hand" to maintain his ihateinfinitegtr.com website.

Instead, there are at least two layers of other people between you and your company. The first layer is the Board of Directors. Every so often, you get to vote on who is on the board, and who is off. You also get to vote on suggestions that the Board makes regarding how the company is run. Voting for directors, or the directors' suggestions, is worse than voting for politicians. Political elections, at least, give you months and months to see what kind of asshat you are dealing with. Directors stay below the radar, and they have lawyers and other liars draft the suggestions being voted on, so you Mr. Owner Man, don't know what the hell you are voting for anyway. Most boards are like politicians, in that they really don't do anything of great importance, other than soothe their own sense of self-importance.

The second layer are the officers. These are the folks with the offices on the top floor of Infinitegtr, they fly the corporate jet all over the place, have big parties, and give money out of your corporate coffers to charities like Jack Abramoff.

The officers and the directors try to keep you happy while keeping themselves wealthy without going to jail. This is usually done in two ways: growth or income.

Growth means that you use 1 piece of green paper to buy you stock certificate; and 6 months later you sell that same stock certificate to someone else for many many pieces of green paper.

Income is the uglier, but more interesting, sister to growth. Instead of selling the stock certificate for many many dollars, you keep the stock certificate, and every so often Infinitegtr sends you a couple dimes and and cents for every stock certificate that you hold in your sweaty hands. Your paper turned into coin. You get to keep the paper AND use the coins to obtain goods and services. Modern alchemy.

When the system works, it is a good thing.

If the officers and directors don't succeed in that sweet voodoo magic of turning nothing into something, if they can't help you sell your paper or turn paper into coins, the directors can fire the officers, and you and all your shareholder friends can fire the board. If they screw the deal up, you may decide to trade your certificate for green paper, but for less green paper than you originally traded. If the folks at the helm really screw up and have to put Infinitegtr into bankruptcy, then you are sucking wind. You and your friends with the stock certificates will get paid last, if you get paid at all. (The term "getting paid in bankruptcy dollars" may be the most honest assessment of modern currency yet).

The next class will focus on finding a good company that might provide growth and/or income. The suggested reading for next class is here.

This morning, Infinitegtr, Inc., rebounding from sleazy scandals that submarined the ailing company, announced that in order to clean up its corporate image, cleanse its corporate soul, avoid a moral bankruptcy and relieve itself of growing and unmanageable shame, the company is selling its largest, high profile division...Formerly Living.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Cover yer Ass, 2006 is Coming!

Photo: Falling Snake courtesy of Infinitegtr
Copyright protected, all rights expressly reserved.

To hell with Top Ten lists from the out-going year, lets get right down to cool stuff coming up in 2006!!!

1) TCU Press is publishing a serial novel, an old-fashioned Western, consisting of 12 chapters written by 12 different authors. The book is similar to Texas Aggie football, in that one of the chapters is being written by Joe SixPack. The Fort Worth Star Telegram is running a two-part beauty contest for the 12th author. Submissions are taken January 1-20. After two rounds of voting, the favored son gets to rub elbows with Jane Robert Woods, Elmer Kelton, Dan Jenkins, Carlton Stowers, Phyllis Allen, James Ward Lee, Jim Donovan, Judy Alter, Mike Cochran, Mary Rogers and Jeff Guinn.

My writing sample is already written, and I am just waiting for the witching hour to submit it. Watch here for details on where and when to vote...

2) Last week, while flying over the tinderbox otherwise known as New Mexico, I had the good fortune of sitting beside a brilliant, talented gentleman by the name of Thomas Graves. Turns out, he is a professional photographer, and he has a great eye. Spend your new year checking out his work at www.thomasgraves.com and enjoy the show.

3) I WILL finish and publish my novel. Maybe I can get Graves to shoot the cover for me.

4) My wife is making me take a vacation. We are spending a week in Seattle. Maybe I can also get Graves to teach me a little better technique. The picture above "Falling Snake" was taken just east of Seattle (Assuming that Goggle's Hello doesn't have the picture all jacked up again, and that you can actually see it). I am already saving money now for extra film.

The day that I snapped Falling Snake, two people were killed on the same highway I took to get to the falls. There was a rock slide, and a boulder the size of a small Cadillac hit their car. I never figured out if this happend before, during or after my trip. That they died saddened me, and that it occured where I had just been frightened me. To die in the middle of such beauty though, not a bad way to go.

I have another version of the picture that I jacked up with Photoshop, the water has a golden hue to it, and the rocks in the background have a copper tinge. I have to figure out how to calibrate my printer so it prints what I see on the screen

5) In a few short weeks, I have been promised a one only CD from the second greatest musical genius of this generation. If I can figure out the audio options of this crappy blog, and can get wonder-boy's permission, I will post some of his tunes here for your listening pleasure.

6) Almost forgot, a colleague and friend has figured out once and for all how to resolve the abortion debate. Each side gets what they say they want, neither side will be completely happy, so it must be the correct solution. I don' think we can get the book out in time for the mid-term elections, but certainly in time for the Presidential primaries.

Having solved that problem, we will end world hunger with three clothespins, a gallon of Easy Cheese, an eye of newt and a good dose of... Formerly Living.
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